April? Now it's the middle of June. I didn't just fall off the sugarfree wagaon, I dove into a pile of chocolate chip cookies. Life just got kind of fuzzy after that. I ate and ate and ate and felt miserable. It all started when I went to my doctor to get my blood sugar checked.
I'm off of sugar completely," I bragged as if I'd just sailed the seven seas.
She looked at me as if I'd lost my mind. Too bad. Without a steady intake of sugar my mind was actually functioning almost continuously. But, I thought I saw skeptism in her eyes and I cringed. She must think I'm some kind of crazy anti-sugar fiend, I surmised. Maybe I am. Maybe I obsessed. Maybe I'm crazy.
Although my blood sugar had greatly improved, I left the office in search of the magic powder that makes me forget my problems, erases all signs of my dileama and bloats me like a balloon at a birthday party.
That about sums up my culinary nightmare. I'm climbing back on the wagon. It's not easy knowing there are peanutbutter, oatmeal, chocolate chips in the freeser. I just got to think heartburn, upset stomach and flab. Not what I want to hang out with for the next few decades. So here goes. June 15, no sugar. Yeah.

The events of the last few days plowed through my good intentions of blogging like a bulldozer through a six foot high mound of chocolate mouse. yes, it has been over eight days since I have had a sugar fix but I have not forgotten the magical creations that only sugar can conjure. I still miss my sweet friend. With the right amount of butter she soothed my nerves and made me feel good all over. But, too much of her warm embrace wreaked havoc with blood pressure, cholesterol and emotions. I will eventually go back for a visit but not now. Day eight and counting.

day three almost sugar free

I confess, I broke down and nibbled on few crusts from the apple pie left over from Easter. But, I sure feel better. Three days without sneaking chocolate around until I can eat in private. Three days of not having to stay up later than anyone so that I can eat, eat, eat. I walked up an incline today and I didn't get the tight feeling in my chest or struggle to take a breath. Grant you, it could be the blood pressure medicine that the doctor prescribed recently. Maybe it's a mix. I do know that I have made one change. One change only. And I'm not going nuts with cravings. Tomorrow I see the cardiologist for the first time. My family doctor refered me becuase of tightening of my chest upon exersion. I don't think there will be a treadmill test on the first visit. Well, I've got to go and get a good night's sleep. Due to personal reasons I am still trying to pull myself back together emotionally. Life is not perfect. I'm learning. The biggest gift I can give to myself and others is to not try to make all my relationships perfect. It's impossible and frustrating to even attempt. I need to let people be who they are and enjoy their unique contributions to life. And, I need to accept and love myself just the way I am.
Maybe then I don't need the sugar highs.
Day four is tommorrow!
Sugar Junkie longing to be free

Sugar is a powerful thing. It takes cocoa and makes it magic. It turns ice tea into the toast of summer. Today, the first day in as long as I can remember, I did not indulge in sugar. No candy bars under the pillow, in my purse or hidden under a towel beside the bathtub.
Yes, I did have a few sips of iced tea and a bit of crust off the apple pie. That was it. Without sugar to spur me on, I didn't really eat much of the Easter meal. And, I'm not really hungry right now.
Bottom line. Can I develope a healthy lifestyle without making drastic changes that make me feel as if I'm in prison. I'm not going to restrict the amount of my intake. Instead, I'm backing off of sugar, white flour and processed foods. Sugar is my most drastic denial. I made it through the first day. And, I actually feel good. Well, I was pretty emotional. Hormones? Sugar withdrawl? I"ll have to look up more about this. So, I am exhuasted. Feel like I've been put through the wringer (old fashioned washing machine?) But, I'm not sluggish. One day, 364 days to go.
Good night!

The chocolate bar under my pillow

O.k. I'm not stupid enough to sleep with a wedge of milk chocolate between the sheets and my pillow. Body heat alone could turn that delectable mass of creamy heaven into a sticky mess that looks more like the contents of a baby's diaper after a day on solid food than the tempting confection that keeps me salivating. I keep chocolate bars in my purse so that I can stuff a chunk in my mouth as soon as I drop one of my kids off at the sky train(local transit) or run an errand on my own.
It's not just one or two days a month. This binge goes on for days, even months. No wonder my head spins when I get up to fast from a sitting position. As much as I think that the chocolate bars are my dirty little secret, I sometimes feel as if all the creamy sweetness I have consumed has swollen up in me and had made me identifiable to the world as a giant sugar sausage. Sometimes I get sick of the sweetness and grab a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips. My favorite. Yum for about ten chips. Then, I cram the rest in my mouth. Why? I'm not sure but I do know it's almost impossible to stop. that's my problem in a cocoa coated nutshell. A bite or two of chocolate or salty chips is not the end of the world. but, binge after binge of the stuff can kill. I know. As a "chocolate sausage" I'm short of breath and tired. My knees hurt when I exercise and my chest tightens. This week I have an appointment at the cardiologist. Yikes! I don't want to waddle till I die. I want to get rid of the part of my belly that hides my feet and is starting to fold over my pelvis like a built in fanny pack. Sounds gross? Duh.
In anticipation of my appointment I decided to eat more fruits and veggies and lay off the sweets. As usual, my resolve lasted for about 24 hours. Should my effort even qualify as resolve?
I need to fight my addiction but not by dieting. Been there, done that. Over and over again. Fact is, I lose and then gain back even more. I know, I know, a diet can jump start the process. Metabolic diet. Body type diet. Medical diet with visits with a professional each week. Slimfast diet. (gotta love those chocolate shakes!) I just need to do something that I can do for the rest of my life.
So, I decided to write down my daily struggles. Maybe seeing my everyday choices in black and white will help me find what works for me. I know i have to cut sugar. But, will it work? Or will I crave it more? My doctor tells me that three days without sugar will knock the cravings right out of me. That was about seven years ago and I am still contemplating her advice. Well, tomorrow I will actually attempt to eat healthy and avoid sugar. Eat healthy meaning taking in seven servings of fruits and veggies and avoiding any food with white sugar. Wow. This seems drastic already. I'll see how it works out. I have to see the doctor in about three days.
The beauty of blogging is the obscurity of writing on line. I didn't use my real name. Besides, who's going to read this among the millions of blogs out there? The accountability lies in the possibility that perhaps one person may read it and so I need to be honest just in case.
bottom line. I want to live and I don't think I will very long if I don't make changes. Changes that I can handled for a life time.
Tomorrow, no more throwing candy bars in the purse. Healthy eating here I come.
Sugar junkie